Hot summer days

So last week whilst driving the “Silver Dream Machine” (or more correctly the Passat which is a bleeding nightmare to be fair) on holiday, my missus was going on about something or nothing and I was just watching the traffic thinking great thoughts ... car names like StRange Rover and GLand Rover ... MR2 in French is “merde” ... Anyway, she started reminiscing about her youth, in particular a hot 1970's summer that was a great British heatwave, those that were so great that everyone went to the river to swim and keep cool – happy times. I mentioned that the most recent heatwave we had, a year or so back, was accompanied by a swarm of ladybirds – not wanting to be undone she went on to discuss a holiday she had been on as a child that was really hot and that that year there was a swarm of midgets! I thought about this and asked if she was a little confused – no, she replied, it was so bad that she could never forget that hot summer plagued by swarming midgets! I told her that I could not remember such a year and she questioned how I could not remember such an event as there were just so many midgets, it was even on the news. I did say that if there had been such an event that I definitely would not have forgotten it! Surely if this great comic event ever did happen someone would have made a film about it … Soon after the conversation we pulled up in Balls Park, I got the kids out for a play and some fresh air and we had a picnic – some small flies bugged us so we went off for a walk. I did notice that there were a lot of tall people out that day – I would not say it was enough to call a swarm, but there were a lot.

Aluminium Man

So I managed to complete my latest adventure in raising money for charity, which again turned out pretty damned good and raised nearly £400 for the Stroke Association! Unfortunately, what I was left with was almost as inconvenient as the impact this issue casts upon the poor sufferer - I have a stress fracture in my ankle! For a few days after my walk I had no more than a cankle (that bit where the calf meets the ankle) - once the swelling went down it looked like a double ankle! Anyway, long and short is A&E don't care to much about doing anything with this until I have a bone scan and they can see how bad it is - that'll be the scan scheduled for two weeks time! Then all they will say is "rest it". Anyway, following an incident in the train station yesterday; being attacked by a bloke with his rolling bag (why are these dicks like caravan drivers) and shouting abuse at him, I noted a few people looking at the attacker at tutting - in my mind they are all thinking "Tch, look at that rude idiot with his bag not looking where he is going - well done that spastic for standing up for himself" - and that's where my new nickname was sporned ... I am Spastic Dave!! It is quite liberating walking around with sticks - uncomfortable and embarrassing - but liberating in the eay it helps you drop off the PC peg for a while. I have joined a new sub-group of society and can flex the position as I feel fit. It's also given me a whole new insight into these wasters in society that actually live life by the crutch. As soon as I was tasked with leaving the hospital and returning to my life, I craved to stop for a while in the street and light up! This is amazing, nothing has given me this urge stronger than this ever before!! Hopefully I'll be off these soon as I feel I may have to buy me a shell suit. People respect me now - they can't slam a door in my face any more without becoming seen as social pariahs. Although I have moved down a step in the mobility scale I am now actually top of my game as Spastic Dave!

My mind just went blank!

Well, only been around a couple of days and I have no idea what the "chicken cluck" to say! Isn't it awful when your mind just goes blank? I could talk bollocks, but then that's me through and through - you'll all just think, "that's all I hear from him all day, but he's funnier in the flesh because of his funny little face!". I could warm up a little with stories from my past - some of you will know these, but they are fun to recall: Quite a few years ago I had an interview for my current employer - responsible for setting up a new national computer system. At the end of the interview I was asked if I had any questions - being the well prepared primate that I am I had questions assembled in my mind that had formed over the few hours prep I had done prior to this encounter ... "I was wondering what level of penetration this programme will have across the entire country?" ... I didn't have any idea of what followed until I had been offered, accepted and started the role. On my first day in the office my manager sat me down to bring me up to speed with what was happening, before she started she recalled what happened at the interview. I could not believe my ears, and to this day am so glad I never noticed what happened when I asked that well formed question - if I had noticed I would not have been offered the job! ... "I was wondering what level of penetration this programme will have across the entire country?" - at this point the lead interviewer (department director) leant towards me across the desk, hands planted in front of her for support and stated firmly, with absolute conviction, "Full penetration!". I did at the time wonder why the other two interviewers went red faced and looked to be struggling to breath, but thought nothing of it. How lucky I was to be as focused as I was during that first encounter with my new boss!

hello world

Well, after being around since the advent of the first coconut being opened and spilling it's milky white fluid across the dry earth I thought it was probably time to give up on what passes as internet porn and move on to try and create some sort of cringe worthy mind-fuck that may gross you out, but where the images I create stay with you and distract you from your daily grind. Most things I think are pretty damned offensive - I hold much back, but quite often find myself slightly embarrassed - but making others around me titter away to themselves, often recounting this to others for years to come. Quite often my observations, although harsh at the time, turn out to be spot on. For example, whilst witnessing the 9/11 disasters live on television I found myself announcing to the room "Well, it's not like they didn't see that one coming!". Everyone was disgusted, but in less than a year the papers were echoing my very thoughts and everyone agreed. Anyways, over the next few days I'll be sharing some of my thinkings, as well as some stories and situations I've created over the course of my life. So, until then feck off and tell everyone to follow my blog. If you know me you may grow to love me more or may just never want to speak to me again - if you don't know me and don't like what I say then please don't complain, simply go and read something more to your liking!